emily armstrong (gk)
Was a non-roster invitee for the Thorns ahead of 2017. Never appeared for Portland, but ended up playing ten games in Norway that same year. According to Soccerway, is now affiliated with a second-tier club in Sweden (joined by a teammate of the name Emilie Brandt).
Emily kruger (gk)
Stuck around for two seasons as Portland’s third-string keeper in the pre-Bella Bixby days. Was called up as an amateur player for a bit in 2016—presenting us with the never-realized possibility of having an Emily in goal behind an Emily center back pairing—but didn’t get to take the field for the Thorns. Allegedly went to Cal, claimed the number 19 jersey in Portland, and is a Scorpio, but otherwise her identity is something of a mystery.
Emily Menges (D)
The Thorns’ longest-tenured center back. Drafted out of Georgetown in the third round in 2014, making her arguably the best value ever to emerge from the NWSL College Draft. Had a legendary block against Jess McDonald late in the 2017 championship. Coined the phrase “let’s make a constellation.”
Emily Sonnett (D)
The wildest ball of lightning to ever pull on a Thorns jersey. The number one overall pick in the 2016 draft. Incredible one moment, inexplicable the next, and an absolute content machine, on and off the field. The inaugural NWSL Most Online Player; hexed by Amy Rodriguez late in the 2019 season.
Emilee O’Neil (MF/D)
Made four appearances for the Thorns in 2013 after starting as a trialist. A 2004 Stanford graduate who stepped away from the game before joining the Bay Area Breeze of the now-defunct USL W-League. The rest is lost to history.
Emily Dickinson (MF)
The legendary poet out of Mount Holyoke Female Seminary. Refused to play if the Thorns weren’t in their white kits. After a playoff loss in the 1861 season, she was asked a generic question about the emotions in the locker room, and replied:
Success is counted sweetest
By those who ne’er succeed.
To comprehend a nectar
Requires sorest need.
Not one of all the purple Host
Who took the Flag today
Can tell the definition
So clear of victory
As he defeated – dying –
On whose forbidden ear
The distant strains of triumph
Burst agonized and clear!
emily ogle (mf)
Selected 24th overall as Portland’s only pick in the 2019 NWSL College Draft, the clear result of a need to maintain a plurality of Emilies in anticipation of losing Sonnett. Still young, usually strong on the ball, yet to be defined.
Emily Brönte (MF)
Unlike her sister Charlotte, a prolific goalscorer for England and the Chicago Red Stars, Brönte was a hard-working No. 6—a real shit-kicker of a midfielder. Some have called her a limited player, but what she did—namely, a calculated professional foul to stop a developing attack in its tracks—she did well. Both feared and respected by opposing midfields.
Emilie Zebulon (FW)
Portland’s first Martian-born player. A discovery player acquired in 2132 after she failed to impress for Paris Saint-Germain and had been playing in the Moon League, a gimmicky non-FIFA-sanctioned competition played on a giant field with goals that hovered several dozen feet off the ground. A manager who believed in her and a more constructive training environment did wonders, and she went on to score a team-leading 21 goals in 32 games in her first season.
emily rowie (fw)
Joined the Thorns midway through the 2024 season after completing a psychology degree at the University of Minnesota. Was fourth all-time in Gophers goals scored (38) and tied for seventh with assists (25), despite playing fullback for most of her sophomore year. Effective as a No. 9, but thrives as a Hayley Raso-esque wide forward.
3M1-lY (FW)
After waiting decades for an effective goal-scoring center forward to materialize, the 2079 Thorns decided to take advantage of the league’s new roster rule expanding the number of android player slots. The prototype, 3M1-LX, had played in preseason several seasons earlier but tended to have finishing problems; even when the service from Lindsey Horan 2 (a clone of her namesake) was perfect, it tended to sky the ball over the net. Training its ball trajectory algorithm on several billion additional data points didn’t work. Oddly, the turning point came when it was fed a dataset of human knock-knock jokes—all it needed, it seems, was to feel like part of the team.
