Those words kicked off the Rileyball era of the Portland Thorns, and how prophetic they turned out to be. The Thorns won the title in 2013, but they didn’t do it “their way.” In 2014, with a new coach at the helm, they sought to be the most entertaining team in the world. What happened? Katelyn and Tyler look on, astonished, at Portland’s place in one of the wackiest NWSL seasons in history. Were they good? Unclear.
We’re in quarantine. Sports are on hold indefinitely. I don’t know about the rest of y’all, but I’m getting tired of watching a ridiculous amount of Degrassi: The Next Generation—a show I chose purely because it has almost 400 episodes—in between pretending to do work for my online classes. So what else is there?
Watching old soccer games? Can be fun, but if you’re like me, you have a hard time focusing for an hour and a half on a sports match you’ve already seen. (Especially if you end up thinking about the current lack of sports and feeling sad about that instead.)
Books? Sure. I recently finished There There, which I definitely recommend checking out if you haven’t yet. I’m now working my way through a book about consciousness and octopuses—maybe more on that in a week or two. The thing is, I can only spend so much time reading every day, so that can’t be the only thing in my life.
Astrology? Now we’re onto something. I started a comparison between Jill Ellis’s and Vlatko Andonovski’s charts a couple months ago out of curiosity; I wanted to know what the stars had to say about their different coaching styles and appearances in the eyes of fans. While I never fully put anything together then, now seems like the perfect time to change that.
Photo by Nikita Taparia.
At its most basic level, astrology is about planets, signs, and houses. These are usually explained in terms of energy. Planets identify what energy is being dealt with—for instance, the sun describes one’s most basic self, while Mercury is about intellect and communication. Signs explain how that energy manifests itself, and houses express the areas of life in which that energy appears. For the purposes of this piece, I’m looking just at the first two, as the placement of houses changes every two hours and I don’t know Ellis’s or Andonovski’s exact time of birth. I’m also focusing on the inner, “personal,” planets, those which reflect on one’s individual personality.
Jill Ellis’ natal chart.
As mentioned above, one’s sun sign describes their most fundamental self. It’s the one we talk about when discussing astrology more generally—you’re usually an Aries if you’re born between March 21 and April 20, a Taurus from April 21 to May 20, and so on. In both Ellis’s and Andonovski’s cases, the sun falls in Virgo.
Vlatko Andonovski’s natal chart.
First and foremost, Virgos are analytical, always evaluating and fine-tuning details. Industrious and pragmatic, this placement bodes well for someone who coaches soccer at its highest level; it lends itself to a technical and tactically creative read of the game. We can see this in Ellis’s array of experimental formations and in Andonovski’s willingness to adapt his game plan in accordance with the strengths and weaknesses of the opponent. The stereotypical Virgo trait of attention to detail is relevant here as well; it speaks to both these coaches’ drive for constant improvement.
Moving down their charts, both coaches’ signs again align, as they both have moons in Taurus. While the sun represents one’s most basic identity, the moon turns this focus inwards to emotions and the subconscious self. Taurus is represented by the bull; it centers around stability and dependability. This placement tells us that Ellis and Andonovski are fundamentally nurturing people who are in control of their emotions.
As alluded to earlier, Mercury placements tell us about thinking and communication. For Ellis, this planet is again in Virgo, focused on practicality and logic. We see this in her trial-and-error approach when it comes to lineups—the infamous Allie Long in the center of a three-back experiment comes to mind. However, Ellis’s reason-based method of thinking also has its clear advantages, most notably when she outcoached Phil Neville’s England side in the 2019 World Cup semifinal. (Neville is an Aquarius, Capricorn Mercury, if you were wondering.)
Andonovski’s Mercury falls in Libra. Symbolized by a set of scales, Libra is about diplomacy and balance. This manifests itself in the way Andonovski manages his teams—he emphasized that the Reign FC squad was a family throughout the 2019 season, a clear indication of his value of unity. The Libra trait of conflict avoidance is also evident in Andonovski’s coaching; he tends to avoid direct play in favor of building through cohesive teamwork and picking the moments to strike.
Venus tells us about relationships—romantic or otherwise—and creativity. Libra is again present for Andonovski here. In this case, his chart tells us that he’s easy to get along with, something supported by the seemingly unanimous praise we hear from his players. Libra Venuses also thrive when expressing their imagination; Andonovski’s love of the game shines through in his meticulous research and tactically adaptable style of coaching.
In contrast, Ellis’ Venus is located in Leo, a sign associated with loyalty, pride, and radiance. Those with this placement are often charismatic in interpersonal relationships and crave admiration. Additionally, Leo Venuses are more likely to possess extravagant material belongings—or in Ellis’ case, to have peacocks basically living in her yard.
Leo also appears in Mars on Ellis’ chart. The planet tied to physical drive and initiative, a Leo Mars often indicates a visionary nature. This tends to make one a good leader, so long as their ego doesn’t get in the way. In Ellis’ case, this allowed her to confidently lead the USWNT for a number of years, although a conflict between pride and the humbling detail-oriented nature of her sun and Mercury could have led to thoroughness in some areas and an overconfident lack of oversight in others.
Like the other two inner planets, Andonovski’s Mars is in Libra. When three planets—or four, depending on who you ask—fall in the same sign or house, the energy described by that placement is often enhanced. (This is called a stellium.)
Libra Mars leads to the channeling of energy into intellectual or artistic pursuits. Whereas Mars often describes impulsive action, those with Libra placements are often more measured; they tend to consider all sides before making a decision. For Andonovski, this only accentuates his strengths as a coach. He is decisive, but not without ignoring reason.
Ellis exited the job of USWNT head coach boasting a 106-7-19 record and two World Cups, numbers that make it hard to dispute her success. While of course this isn’t fully due to her star chart, and of course the circumstances of one’s birth aren’t the sole indicator of whether or not one will be a good coach, Ellis’s placements lend themselves to confidence and intelligence in her work. While the same signs do not appear in all areas of Andonovski’s chart, that he and Ellis share sun and moon signs indicate that the calm analysis of Ellis’s coaching will not be lost. And a little more emphasis on teamwork never hurt anyone.
12-year old Anderson Mathews is like any other middle-school kid. He plays FIFA, enjoys collecting stickers and scarves, and secretly hopes that school will not return before his birthday. More than anything, he loves patches, soccer, and the Portland Timbers.
Mathews is a well-known member of the Timbers community, and his white Jeanderson jersey is often easy to spot in the stadium. Yet while his name may be Anderson, many fans know him by a different moniker: Ghost of Jeanderson, or GOJ for short. The nickname was given to him at a 2016 game in Seattle, when two members of the Soccer Touchdown Podcast mistook his name for Jeanderson, a former Timber who only played in three matches for the club. Both Mathews and Jeanderson were happy-go-lucky people, so the nickname ultimately stuck.
While Mathews may be young, he is a Timbers Army veteran. He attended his first Timbers game in 2012, when the team hosted Valencia in a friendly, a match he still has the scarf from. In 2016, he and his father traveled to the aforementioned Seattle game on the Timbers Army charter bus, where they made new friends and ultimately became dedicated fans. Now, his family is a staple among the thousands of supporters who fill the North End of Providence Park every home game.
It was a year after that first trip to Seattle that Mathews became intrigued by the patches that many Timbers Army supporters wore and collected. By 2017, that budding curiosity quickly became a hobby for both him and his family. After attending an away game at Cincinnati last season, Mathews came up with an idea. Collecting and trading patches was cool, but what if he could make some of his own?
When he returned home, he began to brainstorm an idea for his first away days patch.
“We lost terribly, but it was on St. Patrick’s day, so we made this patch that was Portland versus FC Cincinnati,” Mathews said. “It was in the shape of a shamrock, and it said PTFC versus FCC. We put a lot of detail into it. Last year I handed them out to all the people that went to Cincinnati.”
That patch became a hit, and sparked the idea to create a new and unique one for each time a new opponent plays the Portland Timbers. For the game against Nashville SC, Mathews and his family designed a patch in the shape of a guitar bearing the names of both teams, along with the phrase “Inaugural Game.” When the season resumes, the Timbers are scheduled to host Inter Miami. Right now, Mathews is thinking about shaping the patch like the Miami Vice logo with the words “PTFC versus Inter Miami,” but the concept is still being brainstormed.
This guitar patch was distributed to visiting Nashville SC supporters at the Timbers’ last home game.
While these patches may sound simple, it takes months to see an idea through to its final stages.
The first step is coming up with an idea. Then, Matthews’ dad takes colored pencils and sketches out the design. From there, he and his family make small corrections before sending them into the factory that will produce the patches in bulk. The factory makes one copy of the patch and sends an image back to the Mathews family for approval before producing roughly 100 patches to ship to Oregon.
Last year, Mathews and his family created his favorite patch yet: an old-fashioned travel suitcase that sported mini pennants representing different MLS franchises. The patch was nominated for an award at last year’s Patch Palooza Pizza Party, an annual gathering for patch collectors and traders in the Portland community.
This “Away Days” patch was nominated for an award last year. (Photo courtesy of Mathews)
Oftentimes, these patches sell out quickly, but no single patch received more positive feedback than one designed as a pair of car keys that read “Go home you bums.” This patch, representing a Timbers Army tradition, sold out within 15 minutes. The family hurriedly placed a second order.
“People are nuts for patches,” Mathews said. “If a patch sells out in 15 minutes, people get mad at you.”
The thing about patches is that they are popular among fans and players alike. For example, if you take a close look at the right sleeve of Zarek Valentin’s jean jacket that he wore before a home game against Seattle last season, you may notice a small, circular patch depicting a ghost with a soccer ball. That is the “Ghost of Jeanderson Patch,” one that Mathews’ family created back in 2016.
That particular picture was a surprise to Mathews, but he did know that Valentin was a fan of his patches. The two were first introduced to one another through the Soccer Touchdown Podcast. From there, they started to talk after games. In 2018, Mathews gifted Valentin his green jersey. Valentin kept that jersey with him, and during each game of the Timbers’ 2018 MLS Cup run he would send Mathews a picture of it.
Photo courtesy of Mathews
“When Zarek was a Timber, him and I hit it off,” Mathews said. “He would want to talk to me, and wanted to get some of the patches.
“Last year we made a mini patch jacket for his new baby which was a big hit,” Mathews added.
Over the years, Mathews and his family found success in creating these unique patches—even making some profits, which are ultimately redistributed.
“Any money left over from the patches we donate to charity, Mathews said. “Towards diabetes, cancer, just donating the money.”
When it comes time to finally deliver these patches at games, it is Mathews who makes the trip from section 102 to the top corner of 223 to personally deliver them. It allows him to meet new fans and potentially trade scarves. Even when there are no patches to deliver, he tries to carve out time to interact with visiting supporters before each home game. Well, most visiting supporters; there are some caveats.
“Here’s where I lay down the line,” Mathews started. “Seattle, I only go over to take pictures. Sometimes [I also don’t interact with] San Jose fans because they get a little too riled up.”
Those little moments of trading scarves and interacting with other soccer fans are what Mathews sorely misses right now. These days, most nights are spent anxiously thinking about and awaiting the return of MLS. When that happens, he will be ready to continue making and trading patches while supporting his favorite club. But, until then, Mathews will be at home doing what any other middle-school kid would be doing during this time of social distancing: playing FIFA, brainstorming new ideas for patches, and holding out hope that, for the first time, he won’t have to worry about school on his birthday.
There aren’t too many foods I don’t like, but poorly scrambled eggs are near the top of the list. Most foods, prepared incorrectly, are at worst bland or disappointing, but messed-up eggs I find borderline disgusting. And therein is a problem: a lot of people think they know how to scramble eggs. They don’t.
The good news is there are many correct ways to scramble eggs. Curd size, whether you crack them into the pan or into a bowl, whether you add other stuff… all those variables are up to personal preference (although there is some nuance to the question of adding stuff, which I will get to momentarily). There are, however, several ironclad laws of egg scrambling.
The Rules (in order of importance):
Don’t overcook the eggs
Cook the eggs over low heat
Add salt before cooking
Let me explain.
The first law is the most important, because of the way proteins are. A protein is a big coiled-up lump of a molecule, like a crumpled-up length of wire. When you cook it, two things happen. First, it uncoils (this is called denaturing); next, it clumps back together, but in different shapes, trapping little pockets of water inside the food (this is called coagulation).
When you overcook eggs, the proteins coagulate too tightly and basically wring the water out like a sponge being squeezed. They separate into a chewy, dry mass of egg and a puddle of water. Gross!
This is where rule two comes in, very close in importance to rule one. It is theoretically possible to get non-gross scrambled eggs over high heat; diner-style eggs are cooked over higher heat, and are not always bad. You have to move really, really fast for this to work, though—we’re talking 30 seconds or less on the heat.
Don’t do that. Instead, follow rule two and cook your eggs over low heat. It takes some trial and error to get to know the right temperature, but always err on the side of too low. Generally, if you see the eggs start to cook as soon as they touch the pan, it’s too hot. It should take a moment before you see anything happening.
There is a sub-rule attached to both the first and second rules. Repeat after me: done in the pan, overdone on the plate. Like anything else you cook, eggs will keep cooking briefly after you take them off the heat. Take a deep breath and serve them just before you think they’re done. You’ll be fine.
On to rule three. There’s a lot of misinformation out there about salt and eggs. Many people think salting scrambled eggs before you cook them is how you end up with dry eggs in a puddle. It is not; refer back to rule one. I have heard it said that you should wait until right before you start cooking to add the salt, and that’s still what I do, out of habit, but I’m honestly not sure if it matters.
The point is this: if you don’t season your eggs before you cook them, you won’t be eating seasoned eggs, you’ll be eating bland eggs with salt on top. There are worse things in the world, which is why this is only rule three, but it’s still not what you want. Add a generous pinch as you’re mixing the eggs up.
Ok, but what else?
I personally like medium-size curds in my eggs. I don’t want big chunks, but I also don’t usually want super-custardy, Gordon Ramsay-style heart attack eggs:
That means cracking the eggs into a bowl, stirring with a fork until I don’t see streaks of white, seasoning with salt, pouring into melted butter in a pan over low heat, and stirring regularly but not constantly.
Some people like to see bits of white; that’s their preference and I respect it. That means you can stir more or less, and it also means it’s perfectly OK to crack the eggs directly into the pan, as long as you then follow the three rules.
Aren’t you going to put any ____ in there?
I, personally, for the most part, am not. Occasionally if I have some green onions to use up, I’ll add those—cooked in the butter just a little before I add the eggs. Certain fresh herbs can also be good. Cheese if I’m really hungry, added toward the end of the cooking process. I used to have a roommate who would put a dollop of crème fraîche, which is fucked up in the sense of being very delicious and probably making you feel like you’re about to die after you eat it. But who has crème fraîche lying around?
In my opinion, you need to be pretty careful with anything else. Any vegetables that are particularly watery are going to cause a problem. Some—mushrooms, onions, leeks, peppers, asparagus, off the top of my head—you could get away with if you cooked them first (see also: every episode of Great British Bake Off where someone puts raw fruit or whatever into their bread). Others, like tomatoes (dried tomatoes excepted) are an absolute hard no. I also wouldn’t use greens of any kind, pre-cooked or not, because I don’t think those two textures work together. Certain meats work fine, but I don’t eat meat, so don’t ask me about that.
Overall, though, I just don’t find putting more stuff in there really adds anything. If you want eggs with stuff in them, make an omelette (and yes, I also feel very strongly about the right way to do that). In my opinion, scrambled eggs aren’t a vehicle for other foods; they should be enjoyed on their own merit. But hey: as long as you follow the three rules, chase your bliss.
Photo by Nikita Taparia. Ears via vippng.com. Edited by Leo Baudhuin.
From Charlie, Chistine Sinclair’s legendary Pomeranian, to Gabby Seiler’s Thor—who has his ownInstagram account—it’s hard to argue that the pets of the Portland Thorns aren’t well-documented. However, it’s significantly easier to make the case that the vast majority—if not all—of this content centers around dogs.
As a cat person who suddenly has a lot of time on my hands, I thought I’d push back against that trend and give a little attention to a pair of PTFC cats.
Becky Sauerbrunn, an exciting addition to the Thorns this offseason and a known cat lover, began fostering her current cats during her FC Kansas City days. A member of the Blue Crew, FCKC’s supporters’ group, worked at an animal hospital, and a number of players on the Kansas City squad were fostering animals from them. The players—who were only provided with housing when they were in season—got a pet while they were in market, and the animals got a temporary home. Sauerbrunn was among these players; she took in Missy, Olive, and their brother T-Pain in 2016.
While living under the care of Sauerbrunn, T-Pain was adopted. Sauerbrunn was resolute in her reaction, choosing to adopt T-Pain’s sisters herself. “I decided I wasn’t dealing with that sadness any more than I had to,” she tells me over email. “I convinced (guilt-tripped) my boyfriend into agreeing to it. And the rest is history.”
Missy (left in the photo above) is easily the more outgoing of the two. She’s the one who will welcome strangers and beg them for attention, while Olive, in stereotypical black cat form, will make herself scarce. “Missy is the type of cat who will greet you, meow constantly for pets, and climb right on your lap when you sit down,” says Sauerbrunn.
Sauerbrunn likens Missy to Emma Woodhouse, the protagonist of Jane Austen’s Emma. She points to Wikipedia’s description of Woodhouse to back this up: “a beautiful, high-spirited, intelligent, and ‘slightly’ spoiled young woman.” While, admittedly, I’ve never read the book, this seems like an apt characterization of the cat who wakes Sauerbrunn up at 7:00 a.m. with a paw to the face, purring (or who licks Sauerbrunn’s arm as she types a response to me, trying to convince her to reposition so she can take her rightful seat in Sauerbrunn’s lap).
Where Missy takes center stage, Olive is initially more on the periphery; Sauerbrunn compares her to Neville Longbottom from Harry Potter. “Early in the series he’s a little underestimated, flies under the radar, seems like a good dude but remains in the periphery of the main story,” she explains. “But, by the end, he’s leading Dumbledore’s Army, killing off a horcrux, and becoming a fan favorite. Olive has that effect on people.”
Developing appreciation goes both ways when it comes to Olive. People gradually warm up to her and she to them. “You have to earn her trust,” Sauerbrunn says, “and that takes time to prove that your intentions are pure. But when you earn that trust, you’re one of her humans for life and she’ll bless you with her amazing companionship.”
When it comes to the relationship between Missy and Olive, Missy loves to be the one in charge. “[She] will taunt and tease and pick fights with Olive, says Sauerbrunn. “But if you mess with Olive in any way, and Olive gives off any distress sign, Missy comes running and will literally fight the person.”
She describes an instance in which Olive wouldn’t leave a patch of sensitive skin alone, and Sauerbrunn’s boyfriend, Zola Short, attempted to put a soft cone around Olive’s neck to limit her access to the spot. Missy, sensing Olive’s discomfort, rushed to the rescue, executing a flying backwards kick that brought her into contact with Short’s stomach and forced him to release Olive. “I know I should’ve been more concerned for Zola,” Sauerbrunn recalls, “but I was just so proud of Missy that I couldn’t stop smiling.”
The love between Sauerbrunn and her cats is undisputedly mutual. “I thought that initially they’d be thrilled and then eventually the novelty would fade away and they’d leave us alone and go do cat stuff,” she says when asked how Missy and Olive are reacting to her being home more. “I was way wrong. They don’t leave us alone.”
