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Food Not Soccer Thorns Timbers

The Rose City Review’s Menu Review

The start of the 2024 season brings a new food menu to fans at Providence Park. Earlier this week, I attended the annual food tasting event at to try out the new options.

This was my most anticipated event outside of the openers, finales, and playoffs.

There were definitely hits, but also, unfortunately, some misses.

Head chef Garrett Boisture’s in-house culinary menu will feature new items such as chimichurri tri-tip sandwiches, Hawaiian loaded nachos, kalua pork bowls, loaded BBQ nachos, kalbi beef rice wraps, and s’mores donut holes. The event featured local hospitality partners including Cha Cha Cha, Killer Burger, Humble Pie, Society Pie, Reyka Vodka, Aviation Gin, 10 Barrel Brewing, and Precept Wine Battle Creek Cellars. Portland Timbers CEO Heather Davis was also in attendance.

At the event, Heather Watkins, the CRO and co-founder of Portland-based Bold Reuse, discussed the implementation of her company’s programming at Providence Park. The group will eliminate single-use plastics at games.

@timbersfc

POV: I’m Dylan and ordered one of everything and you steal all of my food #foodiereview #mls #foodtok #newfood #foodie #portland

♬ original sound – video_surge

Without further ado, here’s a look at this year’s Providence Park menu offerings. Of course, everyone has different tastes and preferences, so be sure to pick your favorites!

The entrees

Society Pie: Different toppings for pizza available, but how could you ever go wrong with a slice of pepperoni?
Grade: 7.5/10

Chimichurri Tri-Tip Sandwich: The sauce is solid, and the meat is cooked to perfection, but it doesn’t have enough seasoning and has too much bread.
Grade: 6/10

Loaded BBQ Nacho: This was one of my favorite items on the list. The only issue is you’ve got to eat these quickly, before the chips get soggy. The entree comes with chips, jalapeños, chicken, cheese, and beans.
Grade: 8/10

Hawaiian Loaded Nacho: This was the best item on the menu, in my opinion. Kalua pork with mac salad and chips? Yes, please.
Grade: 8.75/10

Kalua Pork Bowl: This one’s the same concept as the Hawaiian Loaded Nacho, but with rice instead. Unfortunately, the rice was a bit dried up. so that took it from first place to second.
Grade: 8.25/10

Kalua Jackfruit Bowl: This one’s a great vegetarian alternative, with jackfruit instead of kalua pork.
Grade: 8/10

Kalbi Beef Rice Wrap: It’s cooked and presented very well. The beef could use a bit more seasoning, but this is a solid option.
Grade: 7.25/10

Killer Burger: They’re still one of my favorite burgers in the city. There is an option for everyone.
Grade: 7.75/10

Dessert

S’mores Donut Holes: This was what I was most excited to try, but  it was a something of a let down. It needs a bit more marshmallow and chocolate drizzle.
Grade: 6.5/10

Humble Pie: Marionberry pie? Sign me up! I wished there was a bit more punch to the flavor, but it’s definitely a good option.
Grade: 7/10

Drinks

Browne Family Vineyards: If you’re trying to do something lighter than a beer, this is a good option. The taste is not overwhelming at all—if anything, it could be stronger.
Grade: 7/10

10 Barrel Brewing: They literally have something for everyone. Whatever you’re up for, there is a drink for you. The overall menu is fantastic.
Grade: 8/10

Aviation American Gin: Hi, Ryan Reynolds! (Okay, he wasn’t there, because he didn’t want to upstage anyone.) The gin and mixed drinks this group comes up with is absolutely superb. If I’m ever at a game as a fan, they’ll be my first choice.
Grade: 8.25/10

Thank you

This was such a fun experience!

Last year this event was held during the first day of the snowstorm, and I wasn’t able to attend. I am so glad my bad luck didn’t strike twice.

Thanks to all of the staff, hospitality partners, and everyone in attendance for making this an amazing time.

Categories
Food Not Soccer

Here’s the Truth about Scrambled Eggs

There aren’t too many foods I don’t like, but poorly scrambled eggs are near the top of the list. Most foods, prepared incorrectly, are at worst bland or disappointing, but messed-up eggs I find borderline disgusting. And therein is a problem: a lot of people think they know how to scramble eggs. They don’t.

The good news is there are many correct ways to scramble eggs. Curd size, whether you crack them into the pan or into a bowl, whether you add other stuff… all those variables are up to personal preference (although there is some nuance to the question of adding stuff, which I will get to momentarily). There are, however, several ironclad laws of egg scrambling.

The Rules (in order of importance):
  1. Don’t overcook the eggs
  2. Cook the eggs over low heat
  3. Add salt before cooking
Let me explain.

The first law is the most important, because of the way proteins are. A protein is a big coiled-up lump of a molecule, like a crumpled-up length of wire. When you cook it, two things happen. First, it uncoils (this is called denaturing); next, it clumps back together, but in different shapes, trapping little pockets of water inside the food (this is called coagulation).

When you overcook eggs, the proteins coagulate too tightly and basically wring the water out like a sponge being squeezed. They separate into a chewy, dry mass of egg and a puddle of water. Gross!

This is where rule two comes in, very close in importance to rule one. It is theoretically possible to get non-gross scrambled eggs over high heat; diner-style eggs are cooked over higher heat, and are not always bad. You have to move really, really fast for this to work, though—we’re talking 30 seconds or less on the heat.

Don’t do that. Instead, follow rule two and cook your eggs over low heat. It takes some trial and error to get to know the right temperature, but always err on the side of too low. Generally, if you see the eggs start to cook as soon as they touch the pan, it’s too hot. It should take a moment before you see anything happening.

There is a sub-rule attached to both the first and second rules. Repeat after me: done in the pan, overdone on the plate. Like anything else you cook, eggs will keep cooking briefly after you take them off the heat. Take a deep breath and serve them just before you think they’re done. You’ll be fine.

On to rule three. There’s a lot of misinformation out there about salt and eggs. Many people think salting scrambled eggs before you cook them is how you end up with dry eggs in a puddle. It is not; refer back to rule one. I have heard it said that you should wait until right before you start cooking to add the salt, and that’s still what I do, out of habit, but I’m honestly not sure if it matters.

The point is this: if you don’t season your eggs before you cook them, you won’t be eating seasoned eggs, you’ll be eating bland eggs with salt on top. There are worse things in the world, which is why this is only rule three, but it’s still not what you want. Add a generous pinch as you’re mixing the eggs up.

Ok, but what else?

I personally like medium-size curds in my eggs. I don’t want big chunks, but I also don’t usually want super-custardy, Gordon Ramsay-style heart attack eggs:

That means cracking the eggs into a bowl, stirring with a fork until I don’t see streaks of white, seasoning with salt, pouring into melted butter in a pan over low heat, and stirring regularly but not constantly.

Some people like to see bits of white; that’s their preference and I respect it. That means you can stir more or less, and it also means it’s perfectly OK to crack the eggs directly into the pan, as long as you then follow the three rules.

Aren’t you going to put any ____ in there?

I, personally, for the most part, am not. Occasionally if I have some green onions to use up, I’ll add those—cooked in the butter just a little before I add the eggs. Certain fresh herbs can also be good. Cheese if I’m really hungry, added toward the end of the cooking process. I used to have a roommate who would put a dollop of crème fraîche, which is fucked up in the sense of being very delicious and probably making you feel like you’re about to die after you eat it. But who has crème fraîche lying around?

In my opinion, you need to be pretty careful with anything else. Any vegetables that are particularly watery are going to cause a problem. Some—mushrooms, onions, leeks, peppers, asparagus, off the top of my head—you could get away with if you cooked them first (see also: every episode of Great British Bake Off where someone puts raw fruit or whatever into their bread). Others, like tomatoes (dried tomatoes excepted) are an absolute hard no. I also wouldn’t use greens of any kind, pre-cooked or not, because I don’t think those two textures work together. Certain meats work fine, but I don’t eat meat, so don’t ask me about that.

Overall, though, I just don’t find putting more stuff in there really adds anything. If you want eggs with stuff in them, make an omelette (and yes, I also feel very strongly about the right way to do that). In my opinion, scrambled eggs aren’t a vehicle for other foods; they should be enjoyed on their own merit. But hey: as long as you follow the three rules, chase your bliss.