Category: Food

There aren’t too many foods I don’t like, but poorly scrambled eggs are near the top of the list. Most foods, prepared incorrectly, are at worst bland or disappointing, but messed-up eggs I find borderline disgusting. And therein is a problem: a lot of people think they know how to scramble eggs. They don’t.

The good news is there are many correct ways to scramble eggs. Curd size, whether you crack them into the pan or into a bowl, whether you add other stuff… all those variables are up to personal preference (although there is some nuance to the question of adding stuff, which I will get to momentarily). There are, however, several ironclad laws of egg scrambling.

The Rules (in order of importance):

1. Don’t overcook the eggs
2. Cook the eggs over low heat
3. Add salt before cooking

Let me explain.

The first law is the most important, because of the way proteins are. A protein is a big coiled-up lump of a molecule, like a crumpled-up length of wire. When you cook it, two things happen. First, it uncoils (this is called denaturing); next, it clumps back together, but in different shapes, trapping little pockets of water inside the food (this is called coagulation).

When you overcook eggs, the proteins coagulate too tightly and basically wring the water out like a sponge being squeezed. They separate into a chewy, dry mass of egg and a puddle of water. Gross!

This is where rule two comes in, very close in importance to rule one. It is theoretically possible to get non-gross scrambled eggs over high heat; diner-style eggs are cooked over higher heat, and are not always bad. You have to move really, really fast for this to work, though—we’re talking 30 seconds or less on the heat.

Don’t do that. Instead, follow rule two and cook your eggs over low heat. It takes some trial and error to get to know the right temperature, but always err on the side of too low. Generally, if you see the eggs start to cook as soon as they touch the pan, it’s too hot. It should take a moment before you see anything happening.

There is a sub-rule attached to both the first and second rules. Repeat after me: done in the pan, overdone on the plate. Like anything else you cook, eggs will keep cooking briefly after you take them off the heat. Take a deep breath and serve them just before you think they’re done. You’ll be fine.

On to rule three. There’s a lot of misinformation out there about salt and eggs. Many people think salting scrambled eggs before you cook them is how you end up with dry eggs in a puddle. It is not; refer back to rule one. I have heard it said that you should wait until right before you start cooking to add the salt, and that’s still what I do, out of habit, but I’m honestly not sure if it matters.

The point is this: if you don’t season your eggs before you cook them, you won’t be eating seasoned eggs, you’ll be eating bland eggs with salt on top. There are worse things in the world, which is why this is only rule three, but it’s still not what you want. Add a generous pinch as you’re mixing the eggs up.

Ok, but what else?

I personally like medium-size curds in my eggs. I don’t want big chunks, but I also don’t usually want super-custardy, Gordon Ramsay-style heart attack eggs:

That means cracking the eggs into a bowl, stirring with a fork until I don’t see streaks of white, seasoning with salt, pouring into melted butter in a pan over low heat, and stirring regularly but not constantly.

Some people like to see bits of white; that’s their preference and I respect it. That means you can stir more or less, and it also means it’s perfectly OK to crack the eggs directly into the pan, as long as you then follow the three rules.

Aren’t you going to put any ____ in there?

I, personally, for the most part, am not. Occasionally if I have some green onions to use up, I’ll add those—cooked in the butter just a little before I add the eggs. Certain fresh herbs can also be good. Cheese if I’m really hungry, added toward the end of the cooking process. I used to have a roommate who would put a dollop of crème fraîche, which is fucked up in the sense of being very delicious and probably making you feel like you’re about to die after you eat it. But who has crème fraîche lying around?

In my opinion, you need to be pretty careful with anything else. Any vegetables that are particularly watery are going to cause a problem. Some—mushrooms, onions, leeks, peppers, asparagus, off the top of my head—you could get away with if you cooked them first (see also: every episode of Great British Bake Off where someone puts raw fruit or whatever into their bread). Others, like tomatoes (dried tomatoes excepted) are an absolute hard no. I also wouldn’t use greens of any kind, pre-cooked or not, because I don’t think those two textures work together. Certain meats work fine, but I don’t eat meat, so don’t ask me about that.

Overall, though, I just don’t find putting more stuff in there really adds anything. If you want eggs with stuff in them, make an omelette (and yes, I also feel very strongly about the right way to do that). In my opinion, scrambled eggs aren’t a vehicle for other foods; they should be enjoyed on their own merit. But hey: as long as you follow the three rules, chase your bliss.